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April 2010 Newsletter: Getting what you want
We’ve a treat for you this Easter. We’ve the interview with Kate that I promised last month on her new book about “having it all” (or more precisely about loving your life and loving your work), and we’ve a passionate contribution on getting what you want from our friend and executive coach, Len Williamson.
But first, some delightful news that surprised both Kate and me; from 23 April (which is both St George’s Day and Shakespeare’s birthday) you will be able to get “Building Self-Confidence for Dummies” in audio book form to listen to on your iPod or MP3 player. Our publishers have re-edited the book so that it plays well in audio and have used a professional voiceover actor to make it easy to listen to (in English only, for now). Amazon is already advertising it and taking pre-release orders.
And now for Len Williamson’s question: “what do you want?” This is one of the most important questions you can ask yourself or another person, and it’s something we look at in detail in Chapter 5: Sticking to Your Principles. Here is Len’s short and impassioned blog on the subject:
What do you want?
How can such a simple question be so difficult to answer? Most people find it very easy to say what they would like but “can’t have because” and immediately tell you what they can’t have. Stating clearly, meaningfully and with confidence what you want is so much tougher. It requires you to confront the obstacles you need to overcome. Bringing clarity to what you want is the first step towards becoming who you want to be. The next step is to understand how most of the obstacles getting in the way are put there by you and it is you who can remove them.
Let’s say you want your boss’s job. At the moment you can’t have it because you think she sees other candidates as more suitable or she does not value what you can offer. This fits well with the category of “I can’t have it because my boss will not give it to me.” There can be a lot of comfort in this position as it is not your fault. It requires little effort on your part to put it right as you see it as out of your control. In this example the question to ask is do you really want your boss’s job? Consider what it is about the job you want? Be clear and specific. Where else can you get those desired attributes? What is it about you that is preventing you from getting what you want? What are you not willing to confront or do to make yourself the best candidate for what you want?
These questions are all hard work and tend more to be avoided when you run up against your own boundaries. It is much more comfortable to say your boss does not value what you can give than accept that you need to speak up and state your position with more confidence in management meetings. The latter requires you to change something about yourself to get what you want and often this is frightening or just looks impossible. Everyone has these boundaries whether it be discomfort talking to large audiences, dislike of technical detail, inability to work well with certain groups of people or being too introverted. The really powerful point here is that if you can identify what it is about you that you are avoiding you can then confront it and take it on. Most of these boundaries are put there by yourself and can be removed by you.
I am sure that being able to describe what it is about you that is getting in the way of your getting what you want will in itself give you useful insight. It will at least help you to refine your articulation of what you want and will then help you to make progress towards having it. I also believe that crossing some of the boundaries that define and constrain you is one of the greatest sources of growth and development for you. One limiting belief you may have is that personal boundaries are fixed and cannot be overcome. They can and this is the first one to address.
Think about it. What do you want?
Before he became a leadership coach Len Williamson had a very successful career in industry. He and a colleague are walking 1000 miles over the next 12 months to raise £100,000 for Multiple Sclerosis research. You can follow their progress and access more of Len’s blogging at http://1000miles4hope.com/5201.html.
Live life, love work
And now, at last to Kate’s new book. About 6-years ago Kate approached me to write our book together. When we first met she was completing the manuscript for her best-selling NLP guide, and had several other projects on the go. The book she wanted to write though has remained unwritten until now. It will be published on 16 April, by Capstone and is already available from Amazon. It is called simply: Live Life, Love Work. I took the opportunity to ask her about why this subject is so important to her and what she has tried to put into the new book.
Brin: So Kate, writing any book is a big project and this one must have been mega. What is it about this subject that so compelled you to take it on?
Kate: Finding work you love and having a great life at the same time is a subject very dear to my heart. This is not just about balance, perfection or escaping to the island in the sun; it’s about getting the best blend possible given your life circumstances. It’s not much fun to go through times when you feel you’re not living the life you really want and I meet plenty of people in that ‘stuck’ position. The book centres on real-life stories to show you you’re not alone and illustrates practical ways that others have solved their own similar dilemmas. Hearing other people’s stories encourages each of us to create new possibilities.
Brin: I can see why you’re excited. For you it’s not just about short-term fixes like taking a holiday or paying attention to the old work/life balance, but plenty of people believe that’s all they really can do; even plenty of coaches. It sounds like you don’t believe that and your book sets out to show everyone how to get beyond it.
Kate: Short term fixes are just the sticking plasters on our lives. Beneath them, we have to continue to put up with the sore parts of our life and our work choices after the highs of a holiday or weekend treat. This book is about drilling down to what truly matters for us individually and then living according to that knowledge every day. Each of our stories is unique, yet certain themes ring true for us all about what we pay attention to.
Brin: Have you been able to identify these shared themes? Will readers be able to identify with some of the case-studies in your book and learn from their example?
The key finding that came out in the cases is that paying attention to our energy can help to keep us on track to live the live the life we want and to love our work. I identified four different types of energy – starting with physical, then looking at mental and emotional energy and finally connecting with a purposeful or spiritual energy. The case studies delve further into these different energies and demonstrate how you can get up the courage to make changes if you are not satisfied with some aspects of your life.
Brin: It sounds exciting. Who doesn’t have parts of our lives that we wouldn’t want to change if we could? Can you give us an example of the kind of things the people in your book were able to do through paying attention to their different types of energy?
Plenty of professionals lose sight of their health when they’re busy, and don’t give themselves recovery time. So the foundation lies in adjusting your nutrition, exercise and ‘downtime’ to avoid the blood sugar peaks and dips. One manager who was travelling extensively to India experienced a near fatal collapse; he realised he had to change the way he and his team worked and began insisting on good healthy food at work instead of the classic sandwiches and muffins ‘on the go’ with coffee, booking exercise slots in his diary at the start of every week, and leaving the office even if colleagues were still working. By shifting his priorities, he lost four stone in weight and catapulted his career into a top global role.
Brin: I’m sure that would be a very common experience of many of us, our physical energy being down due to overwork, poor exercise and nutrition. And I’ve noticed how just a single 30 minutes swim can magically transform the way I feel, not just physically but mentally, in terms of feeling equal to the tasks ahead. Can you give us examples relating to emotional and spiritual energy?
Kate: Let me give you one of each.
We get emotionally hooked into stories that cause daily pain and distraction. Have you ever done a project that’s not well received by your customers and you beat yourself up because the feedback is less than perfect? Or let’s say (trust it won’t happen to you!) that your wife runs away with the milkman and you then spend years re-living what could or should have happened in your marriage. You are squandering your energy in going over negative tapes from the past and allowing others to drain away your well-being. I’ve been able to offer illustrations and tools in the book, that will help you to recognise when that’s happening and provide you with ideas to move on (this can be as simple as changing your breathing and letting the emotion go out with the breath).
Spiritual energy is about finding a personal sense of meaning in your life and work to make it worth getting out of bed in the morning. Say you’re a computer salesman driven by commission paid on achieving your targets. Over time the money itself stops being satisfying; it’s actually a means to an end. What is more fulfilling is when you see just how the excellent products you sell make a contribution to others. Your computers run systems that save lives. This purposeful or spiritual energy comes when you see the contribution that your daily life makes – whether you’re the post girl or the chief executive, you have a part to play that’s important to you in the order of things.
Brin: I’m starting to get it. It’s not the work itself that has meaning, it’s the meaning you give to the work in the context of the life you want to lead. This is what we sometimes refer to in coaching as congruence, or what I like to call “working with the grain”. What is most important to you, your values, and what is real to you, your beliefs, create the framework within which you can find work that excites and fulfils you. It’s no use muddling through for the sake of the holiday, or the school-fees. It has to come from somewhere deeper. At least if you want to love your life and your work.
Two last questions Kate; now that you’ve finally delivered your pet project how do you feel? What is next for you?
I feel very content that this book that’s been bubbling around in my head for several years is finally being published. It feels like nurturing a young bird which is now ready to fly and letting it go out into the world. I’ll be running coaching programmes and events based on the learning in the book, to support people wanting to live their lives and love their work in the most authentic way for them. Being someone who loves writing, I’ve just signed a contract for the next book, which is ‘Coaching with NLP for Dummies.’ So the ideas are bubbling again – that’s what gives me energy.
And that’s all from us for this time; let me know if you like the longer format and don’t forget you can still access all of our blogs and newsletters on the web site. We hope you have a lovely Easter break.
Best wishes
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