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February 2007 Newsletter: The art of
fulfilment
February already, can you believe it? Almost everybody I met last month was far
busier than is usual for January. "Busy-ness" seems to be engulfing the working
population, leaving little time for reflection or for working smarter. This is
an old management problem that today affects a greater proportion of the
population than ever before. We all have to recognise that being busy is not the
same as being effective; that what you do is often not nearly so important as
what you get done.
But there is another side to this old dilemma, which we must also bear in mind
to lead a satisfying and purposeful life. When I take Kate's fantastic
holiday writing course in Greece,
my dream book will be "The Science of Achievement and the Art of Fulfilment".
Not a very catchy title I know, but it sums up for me the difference between
competing in the rat race and living on purpose. This is something we wrote
about in "Building Confidence for Dummies" and it is critical to your
self-confidence. If you don't have the time to appreciate your life then no
matter what you do, you are just wasting your time.
Take the case of Miss X, an experienced professional manager in a leading law
firm. Despite all her experience and undoubted talents she loses her
self-confidence when talking to certain of her colleagues. Not all of them note,
just one or two of them, and she came to a coach for help. Her coach, wanting to
do the very best for her, asked our coaching circle for suggestions and the
responses are very interesting.
First, we were reminded that there are degrees of confidence, it isn't an on/off
state, and in relationships it is most useful just to know how to move forward
so why not focus on that? Next, she was asked what did confidence actually mean
to her, and does it have any negative associations (for example, is confidence
associated with arrogance - not unknown in lawyers)? Negatives like this can
make it more difficult to maintain a confident state. It is also worth checking
whether feeling weak with some people confers any advantage on Miss X (like
providing an excuse to avoid difficult conversations, to avoid certain tasks, to
be picked up and looked after by a significant other, and so on).
Practical advice was offered to Miss X too. Feeling diminished in relation to
another person, especially an authority figure, can be all too easily achieved
if you picture them as bigger than yourself. Making a conscious effort to "cut
them down to size" in her mind's eye could do the trick and give Miss X more
control. And simply thinking of occasions and people with whom she feels very
confident can anchor these easy good feelings for when she needs them.
Although these suggestions are all good in the sense that they can all help, I
found myself getting a little tetchy about our apparent willingness to jump in
and "fix" Miss X's problem without any information about what her life is
about, how she values herself and what difference she wants to make to those
around her.
Kate then brought a very powerful input to the discussion. The previous evening
she had attended "The Economist Debate" where the motion was: 'Women are the
most wasted resource in the world.' Nicola Horlick, the legendary City "Supermum",
claimed that self confidence is the biggest issue facing the people she employs
in the City fund management company she runs, and she employs very talented
people. Kate's personal experience is that she can lose confidence when she's in
the wrong place and with the wrong people and has no sense of purpose.
Conversely, she's unstoppable with the right people and a strong sense of
direction. So, for her, connecting with "purpose" is key."
My take on this is that getting acutely conscious of your personal agenda in
work and in the other parts of your life not only enables you to focus onwhat is
most important to you, it actually cuts out a mass of detail and distraction,
which could take up a lot of time and energy without contributing anything at
all to your personal fulfilment. "Achievement" has structure and rules, which is
why the "guaranteed success formula" is so effective (request our extra chapter,
"The
confidence to get any result you want" if you want the foolproof
guide). But achievements can be frightfully unfulfilling unless you know how to
appreciate your success and take the time to allow your sense of fulfilment to
blossom. Fulfilment has a structure too, but it is much more of an art for most
of us, depending upon our knowing ourselves, accepting ourselves and
appreciating our contribution. This version of Miss X would know how having
specific difficult conversations contributes to what she wants to achieve in
life, and she would be far less likely to feel fazed by self-important or
over-assertive colleagues.
In my personal experience you can only truly do this when what is most important
to you matches closely what you are achieving, when the effect you are trying to
have in the world closely matches your sense of who you are and what you have
decided you want to do with your life. This may sound a tall order, but as you
know from our other work you can achieve a lot in small steps. Answer these
seven questions every morning for 30 days and it will be very difficult ever
again to lose your sense of self, no matter how busy you get. When events seem
to be taking over your life you'll be able to recall what matters most to you
and quickly regain your balance and sense of integrity.
1. What am I or could I be happy about in my life now?
2. What am I or could I be excited about in my life now?
3. What am I or could I be proud of in my life now?
4. What am I or could I be grateful for in my life now?
5. What am I or could I be enjoying most in my life right now?
6. What am I or could I be committed to in my life right now?
7. Whom do I or could I love; who loves me?
And your natural self-confidence will be restored...
brinley@yourmostconfidentself.com
May you all be healthy and well. Have a great January.
Best
wishes
Kate and Brinley
brinley.platts@btinternet.com
te@yourmostconfidentself.com
2007 Creative Retreat in Greece
For details of joining Kate on a Creative Retreat in Greece in 2007, contact
kate@kateburton.co.uk.
This
Confidence newsletter is sent each month to subscribers of
www.yourmostconfidentself.com from Kate Burton and Brinley Platts,
the authors of "Building
Self-Confidence for Dummies" and creators of the Your Most Confident Self
website.
Building Self-Confidence for Dummies by Kate Burton
and Brinley Platts
Neuro-Linguistic Programming for Dummies by
Romilla Ready and Kate Burton
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