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May 2007 Newsletter: Toxic friends Have you ever spent time with someone and wondered “Why I am here? What am I doing with this person?” Maybe you mix with someone socially – a friend who you see and the action is all about them and their needs, and you come away feeling less than good about yourself. Or maybe in your romantic relationships; you are going out with or even married to someone and you feel pulled down, restrained or be-littled just by being with them.
Is there someone in your work life - a colleague or client - who you spend time with and feel stressed just by connecting with them? And then you make excuses, still hang out with them because it’s too hard to say ‘no’, especially if they are the client or boss who pays your salary.
If any of this sounds familiar, you may like to know there’s a name for people like this; it’s called ‘Toxic Friends’. When Brinley and I took our NLP coach training with Jan Elfline and Ian McDermott, we explored the concept of Toxic Friends. Jan admitted that she had once plucked up the courage to formally ‘fire a friend.’ She told that person she did not want to have them in her life anymore.
To delete someone from your life altogether is a strong step to make. Did Jan regret it? She said not. By comparison she felt completely liberated and relieved.
Last month I went to the launch of Jules’ event company www.chill-out.co.uk During the evening I met Jane, another company director, who admitted that for her to work in the flexible way she wants to, she’d need to lose two of her more demanding clients. These people are exceptionally difficult to please and leave her drained of energy. Jane told me she plans to fire these toxic clients – even though the business is valuable for her.
It reminded me that once I worked as an account director for a public relations company where Michael, the MD, was a troubled and stressed man. At first I ignored the warning signals, his complex virtual office set up and the previous director who left in a hurry. I was wooed by the guaranteed income and flexible working hours, the luxurious settings where we worked – smart hotels, exotic restaurants, and free tickets for the best shows in town.
Increasingly I observed the ways in which he cheated the corporate clients to finance his personal lifestyle and made fun of them behind their backs. One day the crunch came when he told me he couldn’t come to a tough client meeting leaving me to face it alone. I found this was a lie – he was free. It dawned on me that he lacked self-confidence to be truthful with anyone, including himself. That weekend I faxed my resignation to say. “I’m not working for you any more.” Looking back, it was a courageous move as I had no other income at the time. Yet I knew that it was the best option for me. I felt free again to be myself.
Only when I examined my personal values, did I understand what was going on. Trust and integrity are fundamental values for me and these were poisoned.
Firing toxic friends in a work context may seem obvious; after all, we tend to move jobs every few years or so anyway. But how about cleaning up socially, especially if you’re a naturally loyal friend, see the best in others and don’t like to upset anyone’s feelings?
Since learning about toxic friends from Jan, I haven’t needed to fire anyone dramatically. Instead I’ve learnt to elegantly disconnect faster from contact with those who don’t make me feel good in their company. My own antennae have become more attuned to toxicity in the relationship, and if I can’t find ways to re-engineer it, then I will move on.
In order for you to operate at your best, your most confident version of yourself, this month you may like to consider the following to de-toxify your personal relationships:
When you operate from a position of self-confidence, you choose how you spend your time, who you mix with and you can quit being nice to bullies and those who would like to control you. When you give away your time to toxic friends you lose time to spend with healthy ones.
This month check out your freedom. So you have fun with your real friends. Let us know how you get on.
Best wishes
2007 Creative Retreat in Greece
This
Confidence newsletter is sent each month to subscribers of
www.yourmostconfidentself.com from Kate Burton and Brinley Platts,
the authors of "Building
Self-Confidence for Dummies" and creators of the Your Most Confident Self
website.
Building Self-Confidence for Dummies by Kate Burton
and Brinley Platts
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