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October 2007 Newsletter: Authentic
conversations
This
Confidence newsletter is sent each month to subscribers of
www.yourmostconfidentself.com from Kate Burton and Brinley Platts,
the authors of "Building
Confidence for Dummies" and creators of the Your Most Confident Self
website.
Authentic conversations
Shock, horror! As I write this the Lawn Tennis Association is apoplectic about a
couple of 18 yr old national tennis champions who have published "compromising"
photos of themselves on the Internet with captions like: "me having a good time
for a change," and "me holding a yellow drink." One of these champions appears
slumped over a bed surrounded by, wait for it, empty pizza boxes! The BBC
phone-lines are buzzing with indignation and the majority view on day one of the
crisis is that their funding should be terminated and they should be thrown out
of the sport to set an example to other youngsters. So what exactly is the
problem? Not the lapse of good behaviour it seems so much as the flaunting of it
in public. That is what is most inexcusable.
Now, it's not my intention to get into the rights and wrongs of the publicly
funded exploitation of young sports talent, frankly it's a minefield. But I
would like to draw your attention to two related aspects of the deepening
crisis. First, what is it about the young generation that compels them to
publish everything about their lives on web sites? And second, why does it drive
their elders so crazy?
Earlier this week I attended a business dinner where a heated debate got going
about the danger of young employees flying in the face of their privacy and
posting everything about themselves all over the Internet in chat rooms and the
social networking sites. This "Facebook Generation" doesn't only not care about
privacy, it is positively inviting others to know everything about them,
including their work practices. This is proving difficult to accommodate in
conventional organisations which, when you think about it, rely on an element of
secrecy and cynicism between colleagues to operate with any degree of normality.
I'm quietly triumphant about this trend, as I have long advocated that all of us
should assume "permission" to be ourselves at work and everywhere else we
choose. But it isn't easy at any level. Nine years ago, after a successful
management buyout, I found myself managing director of a multi-million pound
business and not enjoying it much. My problem started from the beginning of
negotiations when the small buyout team was forced to sign non-disclosure
agreements. For over a year we knew that our colleagues faced major changes to
their jobs and careers but we were never allowed to breath a word of it to them.
There would have been no deal if we hadn't signed the non-disclosure, having
signed we faced legal proceedings if we told anyone about it.
There were, of course, sound commercial reasons for this confidentiality. But
even after the announcement the inauthenticities continued. Now customers had to
be reassured and placated. Our previous owners retained a share of the business
and a seat on the board to protect customer interests, and officially this was
true, but in reality they never attended a meeting. The COO and CFO, both much
more experienced than I, took it upon themselves to help me wise-up to the
realities of running a business where all our future's were at stake. I
capitulated, feeling trapped, and the business didn't flourish as it should
have.
Three years ago I sold my share in that business and resigned to recover my
freedom. I didn't sell it for so much money that I could afford to retire, far
from it. Six years earlier I and my partner had taken on second mortgages to
raise the cash to fund the buyout, and although we'd had good years and done
fabulous work I had never quite got enough to raise my growing family and pay
back the debt. Selling my share of the business was my way of starting again.
This time I was determined not to make the same mistake: any business I founded
would be a pure reflection of me, of my values and identity, targeting problems
that I felt needed to be solved. And it has been; I have "proved it". I've done
it in my idiosyncratic way and enough of my old customers have given me the
chance to make things a success. The problem I've hit though - there's only one
of me and I'm not scaleable. If the business is to grow I have to find a way of
authentically working with others.
So, where do I go from here. Gandhi famously said that we must be the change we
want to see in the world. I want to see more authenticity in business so that
means I need to become more authentic myself. I want worker's human rights to be
honoured and that means I must honour them myself and in myself. I want people
to respect my ideals and my truths and that means I must show genuine respect
for the ideals and truths of others even when I disagree with them. I find this
tough!
Susan Scott sets her readers a challenging assignment early in her excellent
book, "Fierce Conversations" (a term she coined after hearing poet David Whyte
talk to business leaders - I prefer the term "authentic conversations" as it is
less macho and contentious). To recover the real truth in our lives she invites
us to stop and have an authentic conversation with ourselves. She asks: "are
there differences between official truths and ground truths in your workplace?
in your personal relationships? in your life?" She gives us examples:
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My company's official truth
is that our goal is to be world-class in everything we do. Ground truth is that
many of us are embarrassed by frequent blunders which have not been acknowledged
or addressed.
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The official truth in my
marriage is that we are happy, that everything is fine. Ground truth is that
we've been avoiding significant issues. If we fail to resolve them, our marriage
could fail.
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The official truth is that I
am on track to be successful. Ground truth is that my job is unfulfilling. I am
just going through the motions.
Now, there are important
issues of confidentiality in business just as there are areas in relationships
where you don't go without taking the greatest care of others. But that doesn't
mean we shouldn't challenge the boundaries, it doesn't mean we should become
complicit in the lies and it absolutely doesn't mean we should become
inauthentic in our relationships and conversations with ourselves and others.
Exploitation thrives in dark corners and withers in the light and air of
publicity. If our sons and daughters want to explore the wonder and confusion of
their lives by sharing it all with others maybe they have something to teach us.
Don't forget, October 26 is Bring YourSELF to Work Day; a day to practice being
yourself at work in all your glory! Sign up on
www.bringyourselftowork.com.
Best
wishes
Kate and Brinley
brinley.platts@btinternet.com
Building Confidence for Dummies by Kate Burton
and Brinley Platts
Neuro-Linguistic Programming for Dummies by
Romilla Ready and Kate Burton
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